Hello Beautifuls,
I'm going to keep it short today, because if you're feeling anything like I am, there's only so much more I can consume (food, presents, outings, movies, chocolate, news) after this long holiday weekend.
I read a post this morning by
about not trying to be better, but trying to be truer, and it really resonated. She was talking about 2023, but I'm going to apply it to 2024. She wrote, "I am not an improved or better version of myself than I was a year ago because that is no longer a goal — but I am a truer version, a closer-in version, a more expansive and open version, a less clinging-to-certainty version, and that, to me, counts for a lot more than seeking to endlessly upgrade myself."New Year's resolutions aren't my thing. I like to start working on something as it feels needed, not because of an arbitrary date on the calendar - not knocking resolutions if they work for you, they just don't work for me.
There's too much pressure, too much at stake if I don't follow through. It's like prom, or a big-ticket event on NYE. If the dress isn't perfect, the music not quite right, the makeup smudged, the date bored, if any one thing goes wrong it feels like I haven't done the whole thing right. Perhaps that's just me and my perfectionist-parent upbringing. I hate big-expectation events. It's probably why I'd take a taco truck dinner over a fancy prix fixe meal anytime. You know what you're getting with the tacos and it's easy to be surprised by quality, but also easy to let go if the food is disappointing. When I put in more effort, it feels like more of my happiness is on the line.
Expectation has an inverse effect on joy and appreciation, so maybe in 2024 I can jettison it a little in favor of just enjoying the moment.
I was walking and talking with my now-husband a couple of hours ago in the finally-cold-for-Austin 55 degree weather, and I burst into tears over whether or not to spend money on an experience that would help me be a truer and closer-in but also more expansive version of myself.
It feels scary to invest a chunk of cash in learning something, not knowing what the outcome will be, if it will be worth it, if I could have chosen a better course, a better teacher - cue the less-clinging-to-certainty version of myself.
We stopped and he hugged me as I told him all the reasons I was scared to do this, (most of them revolved around not wanting to make the wrong decision) and he said something like, "Just do it. Just enjoy your life. This will help you enjoy your life, right?" And it was so simple I started laughing even though snot was still coming out of my nose.
It seems to me the point here is in deciding to do this thing for myself, not so much in what happens once I'm doing it.
So here's to 2024. Whether we do new things, hard things, easy things or no things, let it be a year less full of expectations and more full of a truer, more expansive, more enjoying-our-life version of ourselves.