This made me cry for so many reasons that I really have to reread and unpack. Thank you so much for this friend. One of these days when I have the courage, I want to write about the greatest injustice in life-the lifespan of a dog. Your love for your mom and and Caly make me tear up every time I think about them. This is so, so wonderful. When your mom pulled you closer and made you promise not to give up on you two, well now I made myself cry all over again. Thank you always, friend.❤️
Well, if it's any comfort, that moment makes me cry every time I think about it too. ;) 💖 And I will love reading your piece on the injustice of how short our time is with our dogs. Thank you for saying this, it really does mean so much to me. I know you know. I'm just full up receiving your gratitude and your wonderful heart.
I can only hope to have another love with my mother. It is so very complicated at times, this life. I love seeing a picture of Caly. I didn’t realize I didn’t know what she looked like outside of the love you had painted her in 🥰 She’s precious ❤️
"Outside of the love I had painted her in." That brought me to tears this morning, in such a beautiful way. I hope for you too to have another love with you mother. Being human is such a constant mix of grief and wonder. I am at my most okay when I realize it's not supposed to be easy or clean, this life. It's supposed to be lived, full of horror and delight. Love you sweet friend. xoxox
I got choked up when I read ‘I let her love me’. Of course that’s all my mother has wanted to do, and although I’ve never felt she knew who I am, and therefore rejected so much of her ways of loving me (of course I’ve internally criticised her ways of loving me as if they are mismatched with who I am and what I need) I’m surrendering to her love too.
We live across the world from each other but we’re finding a new way, organically, just as I come into greater harmony and alignment with who I am, and she does with herself too. Maybe we were both in our own ‘not enoughness’ in parallel to each other and we were pained for ourselves, each other and our lineage.
I’m actually just processing this idea as I write.
Thank you dearest Jocelyn.
You have a gift and you have devotion, it’s beautiful to read your work 🙏🏽
thank you for much for his, Sarina. This. You could have written this about me and the way I've felt about my mother for most of my life "although I’ve never felt she knew who I am, and therefore rejected so much of her ways of loving me (of course I’ve internally criticised her ways of loving me as if they are mismatched with who I am and what I need)".
And how you said this, "as I come into greater harmony and alignment with who I am, and she does with herself too." yes yes yes. I find the more internal work I do for and with and on myself, every time, I make some breakthrough, and I see my mother again, she shows up differently. And I wonder, is she any different, or am I just different enough that I can _see_ her more clearly, that my lens has shifted to see something that was always there, or maybe always there in waiting, but she knew I wasn't ready/able to see.
Thank you right back, my sweet love. And thank you for this, "you have devotion" I don't think anyone has said that to me before and I love it. ❤️❤️❤️
It’s so beautiful to experience our mothers change too (even if it’s just our perception!) when some women experience their parents stagnating as they age.
And yes your devotion is evident in every one of your posts, and in your generosity and joy with insight into how you approach a piece, it’s refreshing and makes me enjoy your work all over again through these insights 💜
oh that is just so lovely. I got all teary. Thank you so much for your love and your close reads and your generosity here it he comments. I am so so lucky to have found you here in this magical corner of the world called Substack.
It is incredible and to experience our mothers change -- I love how you called that out -- when so many parents are stagnating, or suffering from illnesses, mental or physical or both, or not here anymore. So many things are difficult in this world, parental relationships at the top, and yet, here you and I are, with the space and grace to dive deeper into ours while we're all still here in human bodies. How lucky.
My mother took two COVID shots in 2021 and was gone by the end of August. God mercifully kept her from pain. I wrote her a letter that she put in our family Bible encouraging her to let God carrier forward when she wanted to suddenly turn to cancer protocols at the 11th hour to make herself available to all the loved ones in her life. I told her I didn’t want to see her burn herself from the inside. 10 years ago I was taken off the meds recommended to my parents for my “disorder” after 30 years. They are different kinds of addictions, but all of them come from some level of fear and ignorance. Congratulations on your courage. Tell your mother she’s still a cutie. My dad died in 2001. He became a doctor after he cracked his head on an icy sidewalk at 10 years old. When they wouldn’t let him play anymore, he started reading and studying. He married a preacher‘s daughter from Western North Carolina in college, and raised five kids. They were married more than 50 years. She remarried his college roommate in her mid 80s. Just let your mom know.
I'm so glad you shared this Jonathan. I can feel the love between you and your parents. And 50 years, that's remarkable. Ha! I'll have to tell my mom for sure.
Not to preach to you, but to share what I cannot help but share because God is so good to me: even though my wife mistreated me, I can love her because God loves me despite my unlovable ways. All social attention can be addictive, too. Make sure that you honor God in cherishing your husband more than new friends.
This is such a touching piece Jocelyn. Especially the moment you describe with your mother in the kitchen. I so recognise this - two souls desperately trying to reach each other and so easily missing each other in the process, reenacting old scripts and patterns. Thank goodness you were able to cross the ravine in that moment, and thank you for sharing it ❤
Oh, how you said that, " two souls desperately trying to reach each other and so easily missing each other in the process, reenacting old scripts and patterns." that's just exactly it. We both had to get out of those patterns and I had to get old enough, live enough to recognize my mom as a woman, with the same (worse) struggles than I've had to face. It's so hard to see our moms as humans too. We expect so much of them. I have so much compassion for her now that I'm in middle age. I think some daughters get there earlier, I'm just glad I did. Thanks for your kind words. xoxo
Jocelyn I think you aced the diptych! Well done, and I loved seeing it in context with the love of your dog and that tense conversation with your mom later becoming your singing conversation. Made me feel so happy, knowing you’ve let yourself fall in love with your mom again, and she clearly adores you 💗
Squeee! Thank you! That's so exciting to hear! I loved how they came together too. I wanted to share the piece about my mom, but didn't just want to copy the post and then sweet Lucy. Oh my, she just makes my day when she comes barreling down the path to greet me. xoxox
I just love what you've done with these two parallel stories, Jocelyn.
"She's never going to let go." What a perfect beginning that foreshadows a mother-daughter not giving up on their relationship, on one another. Just lovely.
Tracey, thank you for that close read and picking up on that. I love how you feel nuances, that' s a gift of yours! And isn't it amazing how life just provides these entrances into parallels? I couldn't have made up a better thing for that man to say, and yet. ❤️
Oh Joc, this had me sobbing. So beautiful and raw and healing at the same time. I remember when we talked about this moment with your mom. Such beautiful writing. The mother daughter relationship as you know for me is a source of deep pain and sadness. I’m so grateful that you don’t have to feel that anymore. What an incredible gift. I loved this whole piece, your writing is getting so incredible and inspiring. You are so brave 💓😘
Hi honey, thank you so much for this. I remember too. ❤️ I'm so sorry you don't get to experience healing with your mom. It makes my heart hurt. Thank you for being so loving and compassionate in spite of that. And thank you for the very kind words about my writing. xoxoxo❤️❤️❤️
Hi Joy, that breaks my heart. My husband has the same situation with his mother and it's such a deep source of grief for him, for anyone who's mother isn't capable of mothering. I'm sending you so much love. This relationship is so primal and it takes so much strength to do what you've done and accept and grieve. And thank you for the kind words about that line. It was truly incredible in that moment. I could see it happening. All the years she didn't see or hear me. And let me tell you, it was my whole life. I didn't think that moment would ever happen and I've been doing my best to love her anyway. And then she just showed up. I'm truly lucky and I know it. ❤️❤️❤️🙏
Great job on writing a diptych essay! This part about your mom was so tender and lovely. All of the essay was. You let us see parts of you and your relationship with creatures you love in new ways.
Ooooh thank you! I wasn't sure if it was really a diptych or not, so yeah! Thank you thank you for the kind words, Sally. This is so lovely to hear, "You let us see parts of you and your relationship with creatures you love in new ways."
Loved your diptych essay Jocelyn! I remember how much I loved the story with your mom on Notes so I thought starting this off with the story of Lucy and Caly was excellent! Your transition paragraph “Maybe this is why we have children and dogs, to unleash our hearts from loneliness, and stumble instead into the wonder of loving someone beyond ourselves.” followed by “Three days before my game of tug with Lucy” works so well to connect the stories. Brava!!!
Ooooh thank you Lisa for that close read! I wasn't sure where I was going when I started and then it seemed to just flow that way. And I'm just grinning ear to ear because what I tried to do worked! I had to work quite a bit on that transition and it's so gratifying to know that it did what it was supposed to do, what I wanted it to do. Thank you for this! xoxoxo
So moved by your post. Bless you both for melting when it mattered. It’s tough to let drop those steely defenses in such a moment but you both did it! 🥰
Melting when it mattered! Yes, that's just it, Ceci. And truly bless us both. Who knew that could happen at this point in our relationship? But it did and now I think we both see what it's worth to keep melting towards each other, which of course, is everything. xoxoxo
This made me cry for so many reasons that I really have to reread and unpack. Thank you so much for this friend. One of these days when I have the courage, I want to write about the greatest injustice in life-the lifespan of a dog. Your love for your mom and and Caly make me tear up every time I think about them. This is so, so wonderful. When your mom pulled you closer and made you promise not to give up on you two, well now I made myself cry all over again. Thank you always, friend.❤️
Well, if it's any comfort, that moment makes me cry every time I think about it too. ;) 💖 And I will love reading your piece on the injustice of how short our time is with our dogs. Thank you for saying this, it really does mean so much to me. I know you know. I'm just full up receiving your gratitude and your wonderful heart.
It's a beautiful moment and I so appreciate your heart, too.
I can only hope to have another love with my mother. It is so very complicated at times, this life. I love seeing a picture of Caly. I didn’t realize I didn’t know what she looked like outside of the love you had painted her in 🥰 She’s precious ❤️
"Outside of the love I had painted her in." That brought me to tears this morning, in such a beautiful way. I hope for you too to have another love with you mother. Being human is such a constant mix of grief and wonder. I am at my most okay when I realize it's not supposed to be easy or clean, this life. It's supposed to be lived, full of horror and delight. Love you sweet friend. xoxox
I got choked up when I read ‘I let her love me’. Of course that’s all my mother has wanted to do, and although I’ve never felt she knew who I am, and therefore rejected so much of her ways of loving me (of course I’ve internally criticised her ways of loving me as if they are mismatched with who I am and what I need) I’m surrendering to her love too.
We live across the world from each other but we’re finding a new way, organically, just as I come into greater harmony and alignment with who I am, and she does with herself too. Maybe we were both in our own ‘not enoughness’ in parallel to each other and we were pained for ourselves, each other and our lineage.
I’m actually just processing this idea as I write.
Thank you dearest Jocelyn.
You have a gift and you have devotion, it’s beautiful to read your work 🙏🏽
thank you for much for his, Sarina. This. You could have written this about me and the way I've felt about my mother for most of my life "although I’ve never felt she knew who I am, and therefore rejected so much of her ways of loving me (of course I’ve internally criticised her ways of loving me as if they are mismatched with who I am and what I need)".
And how you said this, "as I come into greater harmony and alignment with who I am, and she does with herself too." yes yes yes. I find the more internal work I do for and with and on myself, every time, I make some breakthrough, and I see my mother again, she shows up differently. And I wonder, is she any different, or am I just different enough that I can _see_ her more clearly, that my lens has shifted to see something that was always there, or maybe always there in waiting, but she knew I wasn't ready/able to see.
Thank you right back, my sweet love. And thank you for this, "you have devotion" I don't think anyone has said that to me before and I love it. ❤️❤️❤️
Ahhhhh thank you for such a thoughtful response.
It’s so beautiful to experience our mothers change too (even if it’s just our perception!) when some women experience their parents stagnating as they age.
And yes your devotion is evident in every one of your posts, and in your generosity and joy with insight into how you approach a piece, it’s refreshing and makes me enjoy your work all over again through these insights 💜
oh that is just so lovely. I got all teary. Thank you so much for your love and your close reads and your generosity here it he comments. I am so so lucky to have found you here in this magical corner of the world called Substack.
It is incredible and to experience our mothers change -- I love how you called that out -- when so many parents are stagnating, or suffering from illnesses, mental or physical or both, or not here anymore. So many things are difficult in this world, parental relationships at the top, and yet, here you and I are, with the space and grace to dive deeper into ours while we're all still here in human bodies. How lucky.
My mother took two COVID shots in 2021 and was gone by the end of August. God mercifully kept her from pain. I wrote her a letter that she put in our family Bible encouraging her to let God carrier forward when she wanted to suddenly turn to cancer protocols at the 11th hour to make herself available to all the loved ones in her life. I told her I didn’t want to see her burn herself from the inside. 10 years ago I was taken off the meds recommended to my parents for my “disorder” after 30 years. They are different kinds of addictions, but all of them come from some level of fear and ignorance. Congratulations on your courage. Tell your mother she’s still a cutie. My dad died in 2001. He became a doctor after he cracked his head on an icy sidewalk at 10 years old. When they wouldn’t let him play anymore, he started reading and studying. He married a preacher‘s daughter from Western North Carolina in college, and raised five kids. They were married more than 50 years. She remarried his college roommate in her mid 80s. Just let your mom know.
I'm so glad you shared this Jonathan. I can feel the love between you and your parents. And 50 years, that's remarkable. Ha! I'll have to tell my mom for sure.
Not to preach to you, but to share what I cannot help but share because God is so good to me: even though my wife mistreated me, I can love her because God loves me despite my unlovable ways. All social attention can be addictive, too. Make sure that you honor God in cherishing your husband more than new friends.
Jocelyn, this made me tear up! Your work always inspires me. 💛
Oh what a lovely thing to tell me. Thank you, thank you, Stacia! ❤️❤️❤️
This is such a touching piece Jocelyn. Especially the moment you describe with your mother in the kitchen. I so recognise this - two souls desperately trying to reach each other and so easily missing each other in the process, reenacting old scripts and patterns. Thank goodness you were able to cross the ravine in that moment, and thank you for sharing it ❤
Oh, how you said that, " two souls desperately trying to reach each other and so easily missing each other in the process, reenacting old scripts and patterns." that's just exactly it. We both had to get out of those patterns and I had to get old enough, live enough to recognize my mom as a woman, with the same (worse) struggles than I've had to face. It's so hard to see our moms as humans too. We expect so much of them. I have so much compassion for her now that I'm in middle age. I think some daughters get there earlier, I'm just glad I did. Thanks for your kind words. xoxo
Jocelyn I think you aced the diptych! Well done, and I loved seeing it in context with the love of your dog and that tense conversation with your mom later becoming your singing conversation. Made me feel so happy, knowing you’ve let yourself fall in love with your mom again, and she clearly adores you 💗
Squeee! Thank you! That's so exciting to hear! I loved how they came together too. I wanted to share the piece about my mom, but didn't just want to copy the post and then sweet Lucy. Oh my, she just makes my day when she comes barreling down the path to greet me. xoxox
I just love what you've done with these two parallel stories, Jocelyn.
"She's never going to let go." What a perfect beginning that foreshadows a mother-daughter not giving up on their relationship, on one another. Just lovely.
Tracey, thank you for that close read and picking up on that. I love how you feel nuances, that' s a gift of yours! And isn't it amazing how life just provides these entrances into parallels? I couldn't have made up a better thing for that man to say, and yet. ❤️
He said it, and you worked wonders with it. xo
Oh Joc, this had me sobbing. So beautiful and raw and healing at the same time. I remember when we talked about this moment with your mom. Such beautiful writing. The mother daughter relationship as you know for me is a source of deep pain and sadness. I’m so grateful that you don’t have to feel that anymore. What an incredible gift. I loved this whole piece, your writing is getting so incredible and inspiring. You are so brave 💓😘
Hi honey, thank you so much for this. I remember too. ❤️ I'm so sorry you don't get to experience healing with your mom. It makes my heart hurt. Thank you for being so loving and compassionate in spite of that. And thank you for the very kind words about my writing. xoxoxo❤️❤️❤️
"I could see her seeing herself."
I have had to grieve and accept that my mother is incapable of this (aka, "insight" in therapy terms). But what a powerful line.
Hi Joy, that breaks my heart. My husband has the same situation with his mother and it's such a deep source of grief for him, for anyone who's mother isn't capable of mothering. I'm sending you so much love. This relationship is so primal and it takes so much strength to do what you've done and accept and grieve. And thank you for the kind words about that line. It was truly incredible in that moment. I could see it happening. All the years she didn't see or hear me. And let me tell you, it was my whole life. I didn't think that moment would ever happen and I've been doing my best to love her anyway. And then she just showed up. I'm truly lucky and I know it. ❤️❤️❤️🙏
Great job on writing a diptych essay! This part about your mom was so tender and lovely. All of the essay was. You let us see parts of you and your relationship with creatures you love in new ways.
Ooooh thank you! I wasn't sure if it was really a diptych or not, so yeah! Thank you thank you for the kind words, Sally. This is so lovely to hear, "You let us see parts of you and your relationship with creatures you love in new ways."
Loved your diptych essay Jocelyn! I remember how much I loved the story with your mom on Notes so I thought starting this off with the story of Lucy and Caly was excellent! Your transition paragraph “Maybe this is why we have children and dogs, to unleash our hearts from loneliness, and stumble instead into the wonder of loving someone beyond ourselves.” followed by “Three days before my game of tug with Lucy” works so well to connect the stories. Brava!!!
Ooooh thank you Lisa for that close read! I wasn't sure where I was going when I started and then it seemed to just flow that way. And I'm just grinning ear to ear because what I tried to do worked! I had to work quite a bit on that transition and it's so gratifying to know that it did what it was supposed to do, what I wanted it to do. Thank you for this! xoxoxo
So moved by your post. Bless you both for melting when it mattered. It’s tough to let drop those steely defenses in such a moment but you both did it! 🥰
Melting when it mattered! Yes, that's just it, Ceci. And truly bless us both. Who knew that could happen at this point in our relationship? But it did and now I think we both see what it's worth to keep melting towards each other, which of course, is everything. xoxoxo