Well this really sucks. Both the loss of your friendship and the political upheaval in your country. As I told you on Notes, I have also lost a friendship that was heartbreaking and hard to understand. It left a big hole in my life for many years. You are fortunate that you got a direct sign from the Universe of what is in your best interest and that of your ex-buddy (not that it makes it any easier). Sometimes there is no understanding of why it happened and certainly, as you said, there is no defense. When someone says things like that to you, after you've already felt your values diverging, there is likely nothing you could say to change her mind or make her see your perspective.
I hope you are able to gain a little comfort and peace by being here with your friends on Substack. If we were all in a room together we would have a grand old time, and it's quite likely our values would line right on up, while we danced to ABBA and ACDC❤️
yes! dancing together to ABBA and ACDC! It does super suck. Thank you. I've been so busy this week, it's been easy to put out of my mind, but the whole text exchange came back to me last night and that feeling in my stomach when I read her words. Ugh. I really don't understand what she thinks happened, and also you're right. There's nothing I think I could say to get her to realize she's making stuff up in her heard. And also, yeah, I don't want to be friends with her anymore either. But still. I would have liked to have just faded out of each others' lives, not been antagonistic. Jeez. I lost my best friend waaaayyy back in childhood, after like 10 years together, she just stopped talking to me one day and became besties with the mean girl. It was awful and I carried that heartbreak with me long into my adult friendship life. It's just one of the worst betrayals. But like you said, we're here together on Substack and I feel so much comfort and peace from all the love you've given me here.
I feel this deeply. I’ve lost a couple of friendships without explanations and it is heart wrenching especially when you’ve known people for years and even if those connections wouldn’t have been made by your adult brain/person, some of these friendships are formative and still feel like loss. Thanks for writing about this beautifully. Sending love and best wishes. 🫶🏻
It's a different kind of loss, isn't it? And yes, that strangeness of knowing you might not be friends if you met now, but there's a whole history, a whole part of your own story that those younger, formative friendships hold. I'm sorry you've lost friends too this way, without explanation. So many people here have said something similar and it makes me wonder, how do the people on the other end of our stories feel? The ones who ended the friendships. How do they talk about it? But maybe they don't. xoxo
Oh that's so heartwrenching. I don't know how they are okay with it. I was just thinking about this, because I knew this friendship hadn't been right for a while, and even from the start, she was very different than my other friends. But I liked a lot of things about her, and I was still trying to keep the friendship going, even though she was always too busy to get together. I wonder if I would have ever called it off? I think not. I don't like to sever things. But maybe she (and those others) do? Maybe they need some sort of end? I would write you back! Even if we couldn't find a way to be truly friends anymore, I wouldn't just ghost you. That has happened to me in very traumatic ways and its just, dare I say, cowardly? That's a strong word, but I think it applies. Sending you so much love. xo
Yeah, it’s an odd thing for sure and it feels like a breakup with no resolution and because you still care about that person it’s not like you can ever fully move on the way one does when romantic relationships end. I guess it goes back to the nature of long-standing childhood or young adulthood friendships being intertwined in our being and essence. 🤷🏻♀️ I don’t have answers either except that it just sucks. I guess one of those not nice bits of being human.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. I'm sorry things ended the way they did with your friend. I hope the space she left gets filled with something amazing and aligned, and full of joy.
Having lost a friend or two myself, all I can tell you is that it'll hurt a lot for a while, and less later (mostly).
My own experience involved a lot of beating myself up and a little attempting to bridge the uncrossable chasm until I realized that a bridge has to have a foot-hold on each side.
I'm sorry for how I imagine you feel and hope that the extra space created fills up with something that brings you joy and peace
Thank you for the kind words. I thought of you when this happened. This friendship was not as deep as some, but the sting is still there. I’m just really glad I don’t have to see her after this and either act like nothing happened or have her act like I don’t exist. That’s the worst thing for me.
I love how you put this, “until I realized that a bridge has to have a foot-hold on each side.” That’s so so true.
I’m sorry you’ve lost friends too. And I’m so glad I count you as a friend. 🙏
So hard trying to have honest conversations with people these days. Everyone seems so brittle… dried out and ready to snap. I too have a friend for whom our relationship has cooled significantly. We were best friends maybe two years ago and something has happened in him that he never texts or calls or checks in on me. I’ve tried multiple times. I think perhaps our friendship has simply expired.
Wow! It happened to you too. That's how it happened for me. We were so close a couple of years ago, we saw each other every week, shared all kinds of personal things and fun things too. and then, it just fizzled and then stopped. I wonder, in hindsight, if I didn't put enough in when it started to cool and she's felt abandoned this whole time. There's always so many perspectives to one situation.
I am so grateful you shared your experience with me. I was really nervous posting this. It feels so intimate, and I've written about intimate things before, but losing a friend, or admitting someone thought I wasn't worthy of her friendship, it's big.
And this, "Everyone seems so brittle… dried out and ready to snap." I think that's such an apt way to describe the human state right now. 🙏
Jocelyn, I'm sorry this end-of-friendship happened in such an abrupt (and angry?) way leaving unanswered questions and no opportunity for repair, although it seems that repair wouldn't have happened anyway.
If I'm being completely honest, I've been both the person to leave a friendship and the person left, although it's often a mutual and gradual breaking away. My desire to pull away often has to do with a combination of recognizing differing values, no longer being willing to stay quiet about my own values, and just not having the emotional strength to try and work on a friendship like that when so much else in life is falling apart. You know some of my story – I had to figure out who I am, who I want to be, and I pulled away from people (friends and family) I didn't feel safe being this new "me" around. I also had many family relationships thrown askew that I had to work through. All this to say (not that it's necessarily applicable to your situation), that sometimes people, for whatever reason, just aren't capable of doing the necessary (hard) work of talking things through, listening, trying to understand each other together. Giving up seems to be the easy way out, but then I wonder what is lost.
I'm learning to share my feelings more in-the-moment to avoid misunderstandings and have things out in the open, but it's still hard, especially with family and friends who don't do the same. For me, I think that's why it's easier with new friends I've met in the last few years (including you and other writer friends I've met here on Substack) – I don't have the same insecure pattern with them!
Thank you for being brave enough to start a conversation about this vulnerable topic!
Well this really sucks. Both the loss of your friendship and the political upheaval in your country. As I told you on Notes, I have also lost a friendship that was heartbreaking and hard to understand. It left a big hole in my life for many years. You are fortunate that you got a direct sign from the Universe of what is in your best interest and that of your ex-buddy (not that it makes it any easier). Sometimes there is no understanding of why it happened and certainly, as you said, there is no defense. When someone says things like that to you, after you've already felt your values diverging, there is likely nothing you could say to change her mind or make her see your perspective.
I hope you are able to gain a little comfort and peace by being here with your friends on Substack. If we were all in a room together we would have a grand old time, and it's quite likely our values would line right on up, while we danced to ABBA and ACDC❤️
yes! dancing together to ABBA and ACDC! It does super suck. Thank you. I've been so busy this week, it's been easy to put out of my mind, but the whole text exchange came back to me last night and that feeling in my stomach when I read her words. Ugh. I really don't understand what she thinks happened, and also you're right. There's nothing I think I could say to get her to realize she's making stuff up in her heard. And also, yeah, I don't want to be friends with her anymore either. But still. I would have liked to have just faded out of each others' lives, not been antagonistic. Jeez. I lost my best friend waaaayyy back in childhood, after like 10 years together, she just stopped talking to me one day and became besties with the mean girl. It was awful and I carried that heartbreak with me long into my adult friendship life. It's just one of the worst betrayals. But like you said, we're here together on Substack and I feel so much comfort and peace from all the love you've given me here.
big hugs to you, friend. xoxoxo
😘
Whatever lesson she was in your life to teach you, I know you’ll turn this pain point into something beautiful. The way you always do💕.
Oh well that's just the loveliest thing to say. I feel the love. Thank you so much, my sweet friend. ❤️🙏
I feel this deeply. I’ve lost a couple of friendships without explanations and it is heart wrenching especially when you’ve known people for years and even if those connections wouldn’t have been made by your adult brain/person, some of these friendships are formative and still feel like loss. Thanks for writing about this beautifully. Sending love and best wishes. 🫶🏻
It's a different kind of loss, isn't it? And yes, that strangeness of knowing you might not be friends if you met now, but there's a whole history, a whole part of your own story that those younger, formative friendships hold. I'm sorry you've lost friends too this way, without explanation. So many people here have said something similar and it makes me wonder, how do the people on the other end of our stories feel? The ones who ended the friendships. How do they talk about it? But maybe they don't. xoxo
I wonder the same. Did they feel they outgrew us? How are they okay with walking away? I’ve tried even to reach out and nothing… It is strange.
Oh that's so heartwrenching. I don't know how they are okay with it. I was just thinking about this, because I knew this friendship hadn't been right for a while, and even from the start, she was very different than my other friends. But I liked a lot of things about her, and I was still trying to keep the friendship going, even though she was always too busy to get together. I wonder if I would have ever called it off? I think not. I don't like to sever things. But maybe she (and those others) do? Maybe they need some sort of end? I would write you back! Even if we couldn't find a way to be truly friends anymore, I wouldn't just ghost you. That has happened to me in very traumatic ways and its just, dare I say, cowardly? That's a strong word, but I think it applies. Sending you so much love. xo
Yeah, it’s an odd thing for sure and it feels like a breakup with no resolution and because you still care about that person it’s not like you can ever fully move on the way one does when romantic relationships end. I guess it goes back to the nature of long-standing childhood or young adulthood friendships being intertwined in our being and essence. 🤷🏻♀️ I don’t have answers either except that it just sucks. I guess one of those not nice bits of being human.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. I'm sorry things ended the way they did with your friend. I hope the space she left gets filled with something amazing and aligned, and full of joy.
Hi Jocelyn! Thank you for your kind words and beautiful wish! It's like a little prayer. ❤️🙏
💜🙏🏽
Having lost a friend or two myself, all I can tell you is that it'll hurt a lot for a while, and less later (mostly).
My own experience involved a lot of beating myself up and a little attempting to bridge the uncrossable chasm until I realized that a bridge has to have a foot-hold on each side.
I'm sorry for how I imagine you feel and hope that the extra space created fills up with something that brings you joy and peace
Thank you for the kind words. I thought of you when this happened. This friendship was not as deep as some, but the sting is still there. I’m just really glad I don’t have to see her after this and either act like nothing happened or have her act like I don’t exist. That’s the worst thing for me.
I love how you put this, “until I realized that a bridge has to have a foot-hold on each side.” That’s so so true.
I’m sorry you’ve lost friends too. And I’m so glad I count you as a friend. 🙏
So hard trying to have honest conversations with people these days. Everyone seems so brittle… dried out and ready to snap. I too have a friend for whom our relationship has cooled significantly. We were best friends maybe two years ago and something has happened in him that he never texts or calls or checks in on me. I’ve tried multiple times. I think perhaps our friendship has simply expired.
Wow! It happened to you too. That's how it happened for me. We were so close a couple of years ago, we saw each other every week, shared all kinds of personal things and fun things too. and then, it just fizzled and then stopped. I wonder, in hindsight, if I didn't put enough in when it started to cool and she's felt abandoned this whole time. There's always so many perspectives to one situation.
I am so grateful you shared your experience with me. I was really nervous posting this. It feels so intimate, and I've written about intimate things before, but losing a friend, or admitting someone thought I wasn't worthy of her friendship, it's big.
And this, "Everyone seems so brittle… dried out and ready to snap." I think that's such an apt way to describe the human state right now. 🙏
🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻
Jocelyn, I'm sorry this end-of-friendship happened in such an abrupt (and angry?) way leaving unanswered questions and no opportunity for repair, although it seems that repair wouldn't have happened anyway.
If I'm being completely honest, I've been both the person to leave a friendship and the person left, although it's often a mutual and gradual breaking away. My desire to pull away often has to do with a combination of recognizing differing values, no longer being willing to stay quiet about my own values, and just not having the emotional strength to try and work on a friendship like that when so much else in life is falling apart. You know some of my story – I had to figure out who I am, who I want to be, and I pulled away from people (friends and family) I didn't feel safe being this new "me" around. I also had many family relationships thrown askew that I had to work through. All this to say (not that it's necessarily applicable to your situation), that sometimes people, for whatever reason, just aren't capable of doing the necessary (hard) work of talking things through, listening, trying to understand each other together. Giving up seems to be the easy way out, but then I wonder what is lost.
I'm learning to share my feelings more in-the-moment to avoid misunderstandings and have things out in the open, but it's still hard, especially with family and friends who don't do the same. For me, I think that's why it's easier with new friends I've met in the last few years (including you and other writer friends I've met here on Substack) – I don't have the same insecure pattern with them!
Thank you for being brave enough to start a conversation about this vulnerable topic!