We don’t know each other, but your words today resonated deeply with me. I was born and raised in France, then lived in Melbourne, Florida (4 years – studies), back to France (1.5 years – studies), followed by 7 years in Alaska, 10 more in France, and since 2017, North Carolina.
And yet, I still can’t picture myself settling here. I feel this constant urge to leave, to find a place that truly speaks to me. That sense of not being grounded, never fully satisfied, follows me every day—and I’ve yet to figure out what the right scenario looks like. And this, even after creating a family of my own.
I’m sorry things haven’t been easy for you in Texas, but I’m sending you encouragement and support. These emotions and that unsettled state of mind are not easy to carry—but taking any step toward change, even small, is already a good one. You are not alone!
Oh we may not know each other, but we are kindred spirits, searching for the same thing. I have been seeking exactly what you said, "A place that truly speaks to me," for my whole life. In my early 20s, I moved from the Bay Area to LA to San Diego to Costa Rica (10 years) back to the Bay (a few towns there) for six years, then to Florida for two fand then to Austin, where I am now.
It's so powerful to hear that you still don't feel like you've found the sense of being grounded, of home that you're looking for, even after creating a family. I have always wondered if I had stayed in one place, or had children and stayed married or partnered to the same person--would I feel more home?
Here is what I think: I have always loved Northern California more than anywhere else. It is where I was raised and that, for many reasons, made me want and need to leave. I have returned and left, returned and left. And now, at 52, after a decade and a half of talk therapy and other alternative body-centric therapies, I have learned how to come home to myself. I think that is what I've been looking for all along in place -- a sacredness, a safeness, a trust within myself, towards myself.
This isn't something that just comes and stays. It's a practice and some days are easier than others, but like I said in my response to Danni's comment, we take ourselves with us wherever we go, and while place, to me, is deeply important (my need to be outside in wild spaces is compelling) I don't think place alone can heal the deepest wounds. We have to befriend ourselves to do that.
Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not alone. It's a rough time and I am so grateful to you for reaching out. I feel seen and connected. And I'm sending you love and a big hug right back. xo
As usual friend, it's the heart of things, the heart of what matters, the heart of your soul that comes out in your writing. You know I run for the same reasons and for many more reasons I feel what's going on here. Really hope your "escareow" goes through soon. I was in the San Mateo area this weekend for a family reunion and got some good running in on the Bay Trail and thought about your move. Thanks for being a soft landing space, Jocelyn.
Thank you, friend. I love being seen by you, because I know there are so many parallels in our souls' journeys this time around. And you made me chuckle out loud, thank you! Escarow! So far, so moving forward.
You were in San Mateo! The Bay Trail! You were in my home. I love it.
You are so wonderfully welcome. Thank you for being willing to jump with me. 🙏
Jocelyn, from someone who has lived in quite a few places and often in the road, I lovingly remind you that you take everything with you. A place can feel momentarily better, maybe even a lot better - more supportive, more homey, more welcoming to your ideas and values, but it won't fix everything or anything. We moved bc change is good. We move bc we have outgrown places and people. We move bc we feel soffocated. We move for new opportunities. There are lots of reasons. But instead of running and distracting right now, breathe peaceful excitement into your lungs and heart. This will prepare you for every experience you are moving towards. Magnificent and challenging. Because we know every situation and life carries both. Breathe in joy and sense of avventure and curiosity, not expectations. Attitude and personal responsability is everything. Especially when everything you expected to find turns into only some things. Nobody and no place has everything. But you, you have everything you need right now to make this move wonderful. This is just a thought. Not a truth. Take it or leave it as you need. I will be rooting for you and sending love to you either way. xo
Danni, this is such good lived wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing it here, because it's one of the truest things I know.
I learned that lesson when I left CA for Costa Rica decades ago. I thought leaving/being somewhere new would make me different. But we take ourselves wherever we go. And often, the new place exacerbates the things we need to see in ourselves and work on.
I love your kind, invitational prayers, "breathe peaceful excitement into your lungs and heart. Breathe in joy and sense of adventure and curiosity, not expectations."
As it turns out, I realized that most of my discomfort was coming from the feeling of helplessness in whether the contract we're under will go all the way through to closing. The move itself, being in CA, being in TX, none of that (as you pointed out) was really the issue at hand, it was past trauma coming to the surface because of current unknowns. Once I was able to tap into that understanding and feel it in my body, it loosened.
And then this morning, I spent four glorious hours in and around the creek, swimming and hiking with a dear friend.
THOSE are the things that create a shift, that help us breathe, that allow for joy in the moment, curiosity, adventure.
My daughters were born in San José but we went to Tilaràn right after both births (2004 & 2007) In between we spent much time in Costa Rica, living for months. Our first trip in 2001, Potrero and also Tamarindo. We went back to live a bit in 2014 & 15. The girls went to school. Went back this past winter for 2 months. It got so much more expensive. The cost of living can be comparabile to the states if you do not choose a simpler lifestyle. Happy that Tilaràn remained pretty much the same.
It's completely intwined in your lives. That's so beautiful. I don't know Tilaran well, but I do know it. I haven't been back since I left in 2010. I keep thinking I might, but I know it has changed so much, I'm not sure I want to see it that way.
Most of the world has changed. I think what was good about Costa Rica is still pretty good. There are just some places overflooded with foreigners which jack up the prices of everything. Also, the phones have taken over the world. I remember the teens sitting on the park benches holding hands and kissing. Now they are all looking down. Even in the 4×4 wood shacks by the beach. You pass by and 4 or 5 kids are sitting around each on their phone. I hate this. Also, nothing is free anymore. But this is in every touristy place. Nature is still protected though and you can still find that perfect emptyish beach. This I love. xo
I don't know the backstory, but I'm sorry Texas has become a place of such stress for you! When I got sick of living in NYC, I did find moving back home did wonders for my mental health. I had no idea how much the stress of very urban city life had built up and made me cranky, affecting basically everything. Now when I go back I can't believe I lived there as long as I did and even the sound of the subway makes me feel a little panicky. (If we could afford it, coastal Pacific anywhere would definitely be on my radar.)
Joy, I replied to this the other day and now it's gone! Sigh. Thank you for the kind words. I think you nailed it, it's just little things that have built up over the years and are affecting everything. I'm so glad you shared this with me. And yes, we're headed to the Pacific coast, at least for a few months while we look for a place to land more permanently. ♥️
We don’t know each other, but your words today resonated deeply with me. I was born and raised in France, then lived in Melbourne, Florida (4 years – studies), back to France (1.5 years – studies), followed by 7 years in Alaska, 10 more in France, and since 2017, North Carolina.
And yet, I still can’t picture myself settling here. I feel this constant urge to leave, to find a place that truly speaks to me. That sense of not being grounded, never fully satisfied, follows me every day—and I’ve yet to figure out what the right scenario looks like. And this, even after creating a family of my own.
I’m sorry things haven’t been easy for you in Texas, but I’m sending you encouragement and support. These emotions and that unsettled state of mind are not easy to carry—but taking any step toward change, even small, is already a good one. You are not alone!
Oh we may not know each other, but we are kindred spirits, searching for the same thing. I have been seeking exactly what you said, "A place that truly speaks to me," for my whole life. In my early 20s, I moved from the Bay Area to LA to San Diego to Costa Rica (10 years) back to the Bay (a few towns there) for six years, then to Florida for two fand then to Austin, where I am now.
It's so powerful to hear that you still don't feel like you've found the sense of being grounded, of home that you're looking for, even after creating a family. I have always wondered if I had stayed in one place, or had children and stayed married or partnered to the same person--would I feel more home?
Here is what I think: I have always loved Northern California more than anywhere else. It is where I was raised and that, for many reasons, made me want and need to leave. I have returned and left, returned and left. And now, at 52, after a decade and a half of talk therapy and other alternative body-centric therapies, I have learned how to come home to myself. I think that is what I've been looking for all along in place -- a sacredness, a safeness, a trust within myself, towards myself.
This isn't something that just comes and stays. It's a practice and some days are easier than others, but like I said in my response to Danni's comment, we take ourselves with us wherever we go, and while place, to me, is deeply important (my need to be outside in wild spaces is compelling) I don't think place alone can heal the deepest wounds. We have to befriend ourselves to do that.
Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not alone. It's a rough time and I am so grateful to you for reaching out. I feel seen and connected. And I'm sending you love and a big hug right back. xo
As usual friend, it's the heart of things, the heart of what matters, the heart of your soul that comes out in your writing. You know I run for the same reasons and for many more reasons I feel what's going on here. Really hope your "escareow" goes through soon. I was in the San Mateo area this weekend for a family reunion and got some good running in on the Bay Trail and thought about your move. Thanks for being a soft landing space, Jocelyn.
Thank you, friend. I love being seen by you, because I know there are so many parallels in our souls' journeys this time around. And you made me chuckle out loud, thank you! Escarow! So far, so moving forward.
You were in San Mateo! The Bay Trail! You were in my home. I love it.
You are so wonderfully welcome. Thank you for being willing to jump with me. 🙏
Jocelyn, from someone who has lived in quite a few places and often in the road, I lovingly remind you that you take everything with you. A place can feel momentarily better, maybe even a lot better - more supportive, more homey, more welcoming to your ideas and values, but it won't fix everything or anything. We moved bc change is good. We move bc we have outgrown places and people. We move bc we feel soffocated. We move for new opportunities. There are lots of reasons. But instead of running and distracting right now, breathe peaceful excitement into your lungs and heart. This will prepare you for every experience you are moving towards. Magnificent and challenging. Because we know every situation and life carries both. Breathe in joy and sense of avventure and curiosity, not expectations. Attitude and personal responsability is everything. Especially when everything you expected to find turns into only some things. Nobody and no place has everything. But you, you have everything you need right now to make this move wonderful. This is just a thought. Not a truth. Take it or leave it as you need. I will be rooting for you and sending love to you either way. xo
Danni, this is such good lived wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing it here, because it's one of the truest things I know.
I learned that lesson when I left CA for Costa Rica decades ago. I thought leaving/being somewhere new would make me different. But we take ourselves wherever we go. And often, the new place exacerbates the things we need to see in ourselves and work on.
I love your kind, invitational prayers, "breathe peaceful excitement into your lungs and heart. Breathe in joy and sense of adventure and curiosity, not expectations."
As it turns out, I realized that most of my discomfort was coming from the feeling of helplessness in whether the contract we're under will go all the way through to closing. The move itself, being in CA, being in TX, none of that (as you pointed out) was really the issue at hand, it was past trauma coming to the surface because of current unknowns. Once I was able to tap into that understanding and feel it in my body, it loosened.
And then this morning, I spent four glorious hours in and around the creek, swimming and hiking with a dear friend.
THOSE are the things that create a shift, that help us breathe, that allow for joy in the moment, curiosity, adventure.
xoxoxo
Sounds like a wonderful way to cleaned oneself. Sending love ❤️
My daughters were both born in Costa Rica. Where were you?
Oh how wonderful. I was in Tamarindo from about 2000-2010. Where were your daughters born?
My daughters were born in San José but we went to Tilaràn right after both births (2004 & 2007) In between we spent much time in Costa Rica, living for months. Our first trip in 2001, Potrero and also Tamarindo. We went back to live a bit in 2014 & 15. The girls went to school. Went back this past winter for 2 months. It got so much more expensive. The cost of living can be comparabile to the states if you do not choose a simpler lifestyle. Happy that Tilaràn remained pretty much the same.
It's completely intwined in your lives. That's so beautiful. I don't know Tilaran well, but I do know it. I haven't been back since I left in 2010. I keep thinking I might, but I know it has changed so much, I'm not sure I want to see it that way.
Most of the world has changed. I think what was good about Costa Rica is still pretty good. There are just some places overflooded with foreigners which jack up the prices of everything. Also, the phones have taken over the world. I remember the teens sitting on the park benches holding hands and kissing. Now they are all looking down. Even in the 4×4 wood shacks by the beach. You pass by and 4 or 5 kids are sitting around each on their phone. I hate this. Also, nothing is free anymore. But this is in every touristy place. Nature is still protected though and you can still find that perfect emptyish beach. This I love. xo
Joy to you
I don't know the backstory, but I'm sorry Texas has become a place of such stress for you! When I got sick of living in NYC, I did find moving back home did wonders for my mental health. I had no idea how much the stress of very urban city life had built up and made me cranky, affecting basically everything. Now when I go back I can't believe I lived there as long as I did and even the sound of the subway makes me feel a little panicky. (If we could afford it, coastal Pacific anywhere would definitely be on my radar.)
I’m still in my nyc era
Do you love it? Will you stay forever? I'm so curious about place and how it affects us.
Joy, I replied to this the other day and now it's gone! Sigh. Thank you for the kind words. I think you nailed it, it's just little things that have built up over the years and are affecting everything. I'm so glad you shared this with me. And yes, we're headed to the Pacific coast, at least for a few months while we look for a place to land more permanently. ♥️